Christmas rhymes with Christmas music (inner critic: ‘no, it actually doesn’t rhyme’). And because I care so much about your well-being and safety, I have compiled in a list the 5 songs that you should stop listening to this Christmas. So take out the tissue box, the bells and the hot chocolates – because this is probably the last time you hear these. Well, until next year.
1. All I Want For Christmas Is You (Mariah Carey)
Oh Mariah, Mariah. All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single… Christmas song. Mariah, what have you done? When you first released it, did you expect your song to be the currently most-played Christmas record – but also, the first song that you find on your Deezer or Spotify Christmas playlist, the first song that your drunk colleagues want to perform at the end-of-the-year office party, the song that haunts you wherever you go – shops, bars, restaurants, coffee shops – even your stepmother’s home?
But Mariah, maybe the worst thing about it is that you’ve made us believed for a second that we, too, could hit that note. In fact, only the little girl in Love Actually does, and this is pretty annoying.
2. Jingle Bell Rock (Bobby Helms)
Alright, this one seems to be pretty harmless. But we have all gone through this trauma: the first bells’ sounds are heard, your parents suddenly get up and there you are, stuck in the most embarrassing situation you could possibly imagine. I call it: THE PARENTS’ DANCE. You know, when they start twisting just because Bobby asked the Jingle Bell to ‘rock’ – and you start wondering ‘How can a human being completely forget how to look cool passed the age of 40’? And then, suddenly, you see your future before your eyes, and you promise yourself to never have kids. Thank you Bobby.
3. Last Christmas (Wham!)
Last Christmas always arrives second – right after Mariah – in your Christmas playlist. But let’s face it: the song is probably one of the saddest Christmas songs ever written. Who has ever stopped a moment to have a thought, just one thought, for this poor guy who has been dumped RIGHT after Christmas? ‘Last Christmas, I gave you my heart / But the very next day you gave it away’: seriously, who’s that monster?
Another reason – maybe it’s just French people who do that – but why would you also sing the instrumental part of the song (yes, the one with the bells, right after the chorus)??
4. Let It Snow (Dean Martin)
This is a classic which makes you picture a lot of commercials with happy white-blond American families – and reminds you what Christmas is all about (Coca-Cola and Nutella). But it can also lead you to another embarrassing situation. When, for example, you remind your friends that this is the song of the first Die Hard’s finale scene. And everybody is looking at you like ‘What’s that cultural reference that you have?’ leading to other tricky questions such as ‘And how do you know there is more than one movie?’. And then, for some reason, you start making it worse by trying to justify the fact that bloody-shirt John McLane is the real hero of the Christmas season.
5. It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas (Michael Bublé)
Just because Michael Bublé’s voice is WAY too sexy for Christmas.